I have an unusual relationship to my spiritual guides. Don’t roll your eyes, you’re just jealous. I don’t know what else to call them, my spiritual friends? My higher selves? My Smurfs? (haha, cracked myself up with that one). Whatever, the thing is, I talk to them. Daily, and they literally show me a map of my spiritual landscape and say YOU ARE HERE. They tell me things like:
“You are scraping the bottom of the trauma you have lived through. You are up against a particular memory sequence of being taken advantage of and everything in your current life is hitting that same wound. You think it’s now, you think that your landlord is getting away with something shitty (yes, my guides use the word shitty) but the truth it, this is old honey. The charge is old. Work early on it, my dear, go back and FEEL THIS and the release of those feelings will clear this up.”
And I’m like OHHHHH, I just thought my car mechanic was a fucking asshole but now, I get it, I feel taken advantage of all over the globe because my parents fucked me over and got away with it. They murdered my innocence and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Ok, I guess I haven’t hit the bottom of that WORST THING EVER….hmmmm, more to feel, darn.
Once I know where I am, what I’m working with, I feel grounded in myself. I know how to get support now and work on my old material. That doesn’t mean I particularly like the healing lifestyle but man, I’m good at it. And you must know, it works people. It fucking works.
The other day, my friend cried about her Mother abandoning her and she cried so hard, she practically threw up, and then her ribs froze up and her back went out. The next day, despite the pain the night before, she felt a freedom she had never known before. We both agreed that some people spend their whole lives avoiding those feelings and it just CRUSHES their joy for years and years and years (we’d done it too so we were talking from experience as well). Then, you do it, you get help, you dive in, and it hurts like hell but you realize, once you are there in the agony, that you are deeply longing to grieve. I mean DYING to grieve and be held there. Just dying to feel what could never be felt even though you’d spent a lifetime trying not to feel it.
SO. My spiritual guides keep telling me that freedom is coming my way and I can taste it. They keep pointing me towards profoundly hard choices and changes and stepping out of the norm of how people live and behave and think. They are showing me that the spiritual life is not about security. It’s not about comfort. It’s not finally getting successful enough to fit in. It’s not about any of the things we are taught and brainwashed to follow. It’s some kind of constant radical departure from what is socially acceptable and safe.
Love will rip your life to shreds. If love is your priority, then love will slay anything that is not love. You thought your health made you happy and worthy, your family, your partner, your friends, your job, your art, your stuff, your good looks? At some point, love will strip you of those things and leave you naked and alone and you’ll be forced to ask the question, is love still here?
Love will be there but not with the packaging you are used to. In fact you might not recognize that love is still wrapped around you and singing your heart a lullaby.
I am diving into the eye of the storm because that is what it means to truly live. I am following where I am guided to go, though it is terrifying and requires me to leap and leap and leap over the edge. Love is all that is left in the end and the end is always right here. Goodbye security, I never could never make you stay. Hello death, in the form of all my lost emotions, I am coming for you and I know where you are hiding…