My Project Makes Me Hate Myself, Ha Ha Ha

I’ve decided to make a 20-episode youtube advice show. I’m the host. I’ve been super, crazy excited about the project and after raising enough funds for 7 of my 20 episodes, I decided to make Episode 1.  A total blast, joy in the process, ecstatic oneness while expressing myself. The outcome? A fantastic first show.

Then I hit my edge, big time. Here’s what came up inside of me:

Racism: You look too jewish on screen

Sexism: No one cares what you have to say

Classism/artist oppression: People are not going to pay money for this schlock, it has no value

Mental-healthism: You’re too traumatized to handle the exposure

Misogyny: You are just going to get ripped to shreds by other people’s judgement and fear so stay hidden, don’t put yourself in the line of danger and by the way, you suck

Agism: You’re too old to be the center of attention

Oh and guess what the subject of the show is? Self-hatred!!!! That’s right, I’m using the show to expose my own self-hatred as way to teach how self-hatred works. Brilliant right? Nothing like lying in the middle of the road to show how injured a person can get. I’m the experiment and so far so good. Conclusion: my self-hatred is a sneaky son-of-bitch.

This project makes use of most of my talents. Acting, writing, directing, comedy, dancing, performance art (the combo of all  these things) and being a trauma therapist. It brings in my core values of using art as a pathway for transformation, facing (and loving) our own self-hatred as a way of freeing ourselves from traumatic oppression, and endorsing a lifestyle of healing that directly opposes American cultural indoctrination around money, consumerism, Patriarchy, and Imperialism. Yup, I said it. I’m that deep.

So you can see why my internalized oppressor voices want to chop me off at the knees here. I’m going at something that means a lot to me. You might even say, this approach to life that I’m imparting has saved my own life AND helped other people as well. You might even say, I’m powerful, AHHHHHHHHH.

Oops. Sorry, that sounds a little too much like I like myself.

Power- isn’t that an interesting landing place? Power. Hmmm. Power. I guess this project elicits some personal power in me. The power of self-expression, conviction, high levels of consciousness, joy, presence, intelligence, empathy, and…dare I…LOVE. Yuck, yes! LOVE.

I’ve decided that love is what power truly is. The power to allow love to come through and do it’s thing. To live through a being. Me. To come through and express itself through me. The more love, the more true, real power. The more power to help. The more power to give. The more power to offer a transmission of what love can look like, feel like, create. To let love slay you and make more love of you.

That’s what I’m going for. I’m gonna fucking do it. I’m gonna see that hatred for what it is and I’m going to love it like crazy. I get it you, you sexist, racist, ageist, misogynistic, classist, mental health attacker. I got you girl. I know you’re scared. I know you think hating me will keep my head down, my ass to the ground, my voice quiet and shrill, my uterus shut to all invasions, my heart closed and careful. I understand. You’re awesome. You did a great job. You kept me safe. You did it. You totally did it, you won, you survived, you ran me far and wide. You killed it.

And guess what? I’m safe now and I’m done with this bullshit.

Come here. Come here, let me put my arms around you. We’re going in baby. We’re going into the fray..and I’m taking you with me.

I’m keeping you close by and I’ll whisper in your ear when the fires are burning and the noise is deafening.

I’ve got my arms around you and I won’t let go. Not for anything. I got you.

Now let’s do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rythea Lee is an artist on a mission to heal the planet. Please view her GoFundMe campaign at:

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All things Rythea at Rythea.com