Ok and Not Ok

Gosh, I haven’t blogged in, what, years? I have been making these 1 minute videos about my life, and that is almost satisfying enough. I get to show/express how I see the world, or my world, or parts of my world- especially when it comes to that dreaded word- HEALING! Love that stupid word. It’s my life.

Ok, so a blog, let’s see.

Pandemic, crap. Isolation, crap. Trauma memories, constant crap. Fear of death… crap. Actual death…unbearable crap. American white supremacy horror show…soul-killing helpless crap. Loss, loss, loss, stupid, hairy crap. It’s been a pressure cooker of crap.

Good pandemic stuff- deeply, deeply in love. I mean, for real. Like, never-imagined-I-don’t-get-to-have-it, give it up, kind of surprise. Like he’s sexier everyday. It shocks me to the core. Especially since my parents truly did not love me and I formed into a human while those same people tried to kill me. So, that. But this love! It’s like a fire in the center of the earth keeping me alive. It’s like the sound of honey. It’s like a meditation on the opposite of all my fears. It’s my miracle.

Other good pandemic stuff- my daughter is getting flexible. Don’t tell anyone! It’s a secret. She’s starting to feel safe enough to collaborate and let her shiny heart be seen. I’ve always seen it but she’s starting to let the OUT THERE folks IN, a little. And a little is a lot for this power-house baby healer wild card. I love her more than I’ll ever tell anyone. That’s my secret. But it turns out, we are both becoming brave. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone!!!

Last good thing for now: I started the Advice from a Loving Bitch facilitator training program with my friend and colleague Divinah Erving, and it turns out, people need help to stop hating on themselves MORE than I even knew!!! Turns out, undoing self-hatred patterns are a super ass-kicker and major tools and support need to be in place to make it possible. It’s a THING, dismantling internalized oppression of all kinds. It’s a thing that needs our program and that means, we are USEFUL and being useful while the world suffers…is…a sacred gift.

Blogs are good for integration it seems. I WILL capitalize stuff that I’m psyched about. I’m Jewish and that’s how I yell with words. SO THERE.

I’m curious about you. What are the good things emerging from this very bad time? Do you have any you want to share? I’d like to hear because I’ve had some shame about certain things being good- a false belief that my ok-ness hurts those who are not ok. That belief doesn’t make me more active or engaged, it shuts me down.
At the core, my surviving nature is most ALIVE when I allow myself to be OK. That is the ground that allows me to walk and then run.

I’m scared and I’m ok.
I’m very scared and I’m ok.
I’m full of love and that’s ok.
I AM love and that’s ok.
I help people and I can lean into that, and that’s ok.
I feel the suffering of many, and that’s ok
I feel the joy of my daughter, and that’s ok
I feel the joy of being alive, and that’s ok
I have a voice and I like to use it, and that’s ok

My point is: Good stuff can be good stuff even if the bad stuff is NOT EVER NEVER GOING TO BE OK!

Thanks for listening and tuning in.